24. In My Life

 The Beatles. They are legends. Not much really more to say about them, but "In My Life" is one of my favorite songs by them. It has all the themes you have come to recognize on the pages of the blog and we all know enough about the Beatles so there is no need for me to drone on about that.

There are so many things, big and little, that happen in our lives for the last time. Some are meaningless and some are much more than that. The true tragedy is that many of them pass unnoticed and we are left trying to remember them all as the years pass. Lately, I have been thinking about how life is full of firsts and lasts. We often are in such a rush to experience the firsts we fail to remember the "lasts".  We also tend to more easily recall the "firsts". A first kiss, the first time living on your own, your baby's first steps, and the endless parade of things that happen for the first time. They are usually big moments that stick with you.  Except for the huge things we tend not to notice or even remember the last times. Why? The last time...... it sounds so serious. I guess that is because it is final. From the mundane, "I can't remember the last time I ate Fruity Pebbles cereal" to the profound, "Holy shit, I didn't think that was going to be the last time I would ever see them." 

For the entirety of my life have I have rushed to experience the "firsts" and the "nexts" and rarely paused to experience the "lasts". We all do it. It is in our nature to keep moving forward and I guess I am writing because I want to try to focus on recognizing and experiencing "the last times". Sure we remember some of the big lasts. I vividly remember the last day of high school. It was a calculus class and it was much more subdued than I would have expected. The teacher had the lights off and a radio was playing The Verve's abortion elegy " The Freshmen".  We all kind of stood quietly by the door and watched the last minutes of high school tick away. The bell rang and it was only then we ran out screaming, but for the few minutes before that bell it was almost as if we all realized we were in the middle of "a last time"so we just quietly observed it happen. And it was truly a last, because for the most part that was the last time I saw most of those faces.  I have no idea why I remember that so well and I am almost embarrassed about why I remember that when so many other lasts have passed that I can't actually recall.  I would prefer to remember the real big lasts or ideally be able to note when a last was happening so I could take it all in and try to remember it forever. Don't get me wrong I remember the last time I saw 3 of my grandparents (luckily I still have one living grandparent that just turned 93 yesterday) before they passed away. In only one of those circumstances I knew it would be the last the time. In the other two I am fortunate to have crystal clear memories of nice happy visits that stick with me to this day. I also remember the last family vacation my mom, dad, sister and I took together. My dad caught a 25 pound muskie that now hangs on their wall. It was almost as if the fates gave us something to help memorialize that trip. Kind of silly, but it is nice to remember that last family outing. 

The lasts I am referencing are the ones that blow by us like a leaf swirling in the wind, barely observed and just as quickly fades like the remnants of a dream. As I grow older I find myself filled with a sense of urgency to note the passage of these lasts as they happen. There are some that are those forgotten remnants of a dream. Gone into the ether only to be "remembered" in our imaginations.  You know, the last time you laughed with your college friends together in one group. The last time you ran down the stairs on Christmas morning full of wonder. The last time you were at the kids table with your cousins at your grandparents house during the holidays. The last time you ever went fishing with your childhood friends. The last time you and your sibling/s all lived under the same roof. The last time you woke up without having to worry about anything more than what you were doing that day. The last time you had no bills or a job. The last time you were on summer break. The last time my wife and I went to bed without worrying about our kids. The last time my kids smelled and looked like babies. The last time they needed help riding a bike. The last time they mispronounced certain words. The last time I really had no worries. Things that fall victim to the rushing river of life, and the circumstances that cause things to pass without being noticed only to be vaguely remembered years after they happen. 

Make no mistake there are impending lasts that give me a sense of anxious sadness. These are the ones that I would kill to be able to capture so I could take them in for as long as possible. It is with a sense of  worry that I think of things that will one day be my new lasts. The last time I will get to go fishing with my Dad. The last time I'll watch IU basketball with my friends I consider brothers. The last time all of the currently living family members will have dinner together at the holidays. Finally, there are the ones that I dread missing the most. The last time my kids will hold my hand.  The last time they will want to cuddle on the couch. The last time they will experience the wonder of running down the stairs on Christmas morning. The last time they will want to find Easter eggs or look for Sandy the Elf. The last time they will want us to play dolls with them or a game of Uno. The last time they want me to hold them when they are scared or sad. The last time my wife and our girls all are under one roof. The last time I will feel the loving touch of my wife. There are so many last times left to come and I hope that when these times come to pass I will be graced with the ability to look back on them all and smile until my last breath.  

I love you C, J and N. So happy to experiencing this life with you all.