38. Funny How Time Slips Away

 Well, here we are. A day we all knew would come, but a day we never wanted to imagine. My mom said it best when she commented that it is fitting that Gram died on a sunny Valentine’s Day. She brought so much sunshine and love into our lives it would make sense she’d leave us on a day that celebrates love. Nevertheless, from here on out, we will navigate our lives without Grandma Rose.

It is the end of an era for us all.  We have lost our last remaining grandparent or parent.  Some of the last ties to our youth are now gone.  Knowing Gram was out there always seemed to bring a sense of comfort and made it easier to hang on to parts of our past that seem dimmer every passing year.  I have said it before, but when people die it is easy to sanctify them. Ignore all faults and put them on a pedestal. We all know that it is disingenuous, but we do it anyway. But... Gram was special. After the heart attack a few months back I began to reflect on my memories of her and I found myself smiling and then shocked, because I can’t recall one single time my Grandma left me with a bad memory. That is hard to do, especially for me.  Doesn’t take much to upset me, but that is how my Grandma was.  I am not saying she was perfect. Lord knows that for this extended family perfection is a foreign concept, an abstract idea, some kind of thing that supposedly exists, but we have no concept of. We are not perfect and when I objectively look back I know she probably wasn’t either. I am sure that my mom and her sisters can share stories about things that were far from perfection, but such is life. That lack of perfection and loving someone for who they are is what makes love so special. Parents and children struggle through this world together learning as we go. Trying to do what is right. I am sure they all did that.  So yeah, Gram, may not have been perfect, but she was the perfect Grandma.  Life without Grandma Rose is going to be hard, but I am thankful for having had 42 years with her in my life.

My first memory of Gram was almost that far back. I remember I was sick and it was either the day my sister was born or she was sick when she was little and they were watching me, but I remember my parents dropped me at her house at night. Gram was wearing a green robe. She gave me a Donald Duck cup full of ice chips and seven up and held me when I felt like crap and loved me up, and from that day on every memory I have of her was full of love. She would play hockey with me in the kitchen. We would use wooden spoons and a ball and play for hours. She would pitch to us in the yard. I remember one of us drilled her in the leg with a hit and left a huge bruise, but she finished the game. We’d walk to the park by the pre-school. I remember Gram and Papa took us to Santa’s Village.  I remember playing games and spending time with her in the kitchen. Playing hangman, war and other games.  I remember the food. Pan fried steaks, fried chicken, toast under the broiler, stuffed peppers, meatballs in the best sauce. French toast, coffee cakes and more.  I remember when Gram would wrap my sister and I in separate green blankets. We’d sit with only our heads out and bounce around. We called it making us cabbages.  Christmas, Thanksgiving, Easter Egg hunts and the house full of aunts, uncles and cousins. Times that were so long ago, but seem so vivid in my mind it seems like only yesterday. I remember when she and Papa Ed came over the night my Grandma Glor died when I was 12 or so.  She held me as I cried when my mom and dad called from the hospital with the news.  She always had a kind word, always was supportive, always championed her grandkids and great grandkids.  She was always there to listen. To comfort. To be my Gram.  To be kind and selfless. I never heard her say a bad thing about anyone. She looked for the good in us all.  In all the time I have known her I never saw her do anything for herself, except watch Days of Our Lives and Classic Concentration. And maybe she hated taking pictures. Oh yes, and blasting Willie Nelson. I remember one time when I was home from college and I went over to see her. When I opened my car door I could hear Willie blasting from the boom box in the kitchen.

She didn’t need to be selfish because her joy came from the love of her family and I will miss that.  Her greatest gift to us was love.  She and my grandpa didn’t have a lot so the thought she put into the little things was what exemplified her love. A newspaper clipping about a Bob Dylan album or pages for my CD book would be gifted because she thought it would be easier to sort my music collection. A few meals to bring to school or to warm up after work.  There was no need for grandiose gifts, because her love and kindness were priceless. Knowing that for each of us she spent the time finding ways to make us smile is what made her so amazing.

I sit here sad because I will miss hearing her voice when I called, or when the kids called to tell her happy birthday or thanks for the card or just to say hi. I will miss hearing the joy in her voice when she said how much she loved us. I am also thankful for the time we got to have her in our lives. It is staggering to me how fast time passes.  We sit here celebrating her nearly 100 years here and it is astonishing. She has seen her kids grow up, she has seen her grandkids grow up and she has gotten to experience the love of great grandchildren. To shower them with the love she gave us all. To show them the kindness and selflessness she showed us as we grew up.  I will miss my grandma and her hugs, but I will find joy in my memories and I will be thankful for everything she has taught me.

I will close with a request for us all. As we reflect and then go back to our lives, time will continue to accelerate. Hell, I am already in the second half if statistics are to be believed, so as we all grow older let us all honor Gram by remembering to live as she did, for each other. Be kind, make life easier for each other, be selfless. Give to each other and to others. Be patient and be present. Be positive.  Find the little things that make someone you love happy and remember to magnify those things for that person.  Understand that for some life is hard and try to make it easier for them. There is no greater gift to be given than love, and Gram gave all of us so much of it.  Grandma Rose would not want us to dwell in our sadness, so when it creeps in turn on Willie Nelson really loud and revel in your memories. Find joy in the love she gave and be thankful that Rose was your mom, grandma, great grandma and family.  She was special and I will miss her. Here’s hoping there is a kitchen table in heaven with a scrabble board, some crossword puzzles and my Grandma and Papa sitting at it with Wheel of Fortune on in the in background.  Some good food cooking up as they look down on us with the love they gave us here. Thank you for your love and being my Gram. I’ll never forget you.